Umino Squared
by Cardboard Bike
Summary: Iruka has been conspicuously missing from the village as of late, and when Kakashi goes to investigate what he finds absolutely baffles him.
1. Chapter 1

_I swore to myself that I would start no more Kakairu fics, but this has been sitting on my computer for ages and I'm kind of interested in seeing where it's going, because it's such a weird concept. Iruka's not particularly strong-willed in this one, but… he has his reasons. They're both pretty OOC, to be honest. I'm hoping (if it ever goes any further) it will be done in maybe six chapters?_

_Warning for (hopefully not too explicit) __**yaoi,**__and general __**bad language.**_

**o0o**

Kakashi glanced around the bar, bored out of his skull. Genma was shirtless, dancing like a maniac and singing "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy yeeaaah" despite the fact that the song playing was an old school ballad and everyone else on the dance floor was swaying gently with a partner. Raidou was glaring daggers at Genma and drowning his sorrows in another beer.

Kurenai was giggling wildly and leaning too far into Asuma, who looked much too happy about it. Anko was chatting up anyone who would listen and telling them that there was a party in her pants and it's open invitation. Gai was standing in the corner (facing it; he'd had quite a few by then) flexing his muscles and flashing blinding smiles at the wall. He was _way_ too sober for this.

Kakashi sighed. He didn't intend to get drunk. He never drunk. He couldn't understand why any of these perfectly respectable (depending on your viewpoint) ninja would want to stuff themselves full of alcohol. Was he the only one who saw that it impaired your ability to make good choices and slowed your reflexes? Why would anyone want that?

Someone was tugging on his sleeve so he turned, much too fast for the tipsy shinobi around him, and got a faceful of boob. Kurenai giggled. Asuma scowled. _The other thing about going out to get drunk, _he thought dourly, _is the horrendous outfits people decide to wear_. He wouldn't call what Kurenai was wearing a dress. It seemed to him it was more like cling wrap, and not a lot of it either. "Hey, hey, Kashashi," she said in a stage whisper.

He raised an eyebrow at her. It also affected your ability to talk properly and to respect other people's personal space, it seemed. "What?"

She giggled again. He really didn't like that noise coming from her. He respected her too much as a kunoichi to want to see her like this. "Kashashi should go get 'Roosha."

He frowned. "My name is Kakashi."

"Shakaki?"

"Never mind." He decided to ignore her. She wasn't making much sense and he probably didn't want to hear it anyway.

"Roosha," she insisted, pulling her hair back into an impromptu ponytail and glaring at him. She deepened her voice slightly and waggled a finger in his face. "You go 'way 'n finnis that report proply, Hatashi Kashaki."

"Iruka-sensei? Why would you want me to go get him?"

"Becors he _likes_ you," Kurenai said, leaning forward and only not falling flat on her face because of Asuma's arms around her waist.

"Iruka-sensei likes everyone," Kakashi said, confused. Maybe they were just trying to get rid of him. He wasn't the best company, even he could see that, and despite the fact he wanted to leave being asked to hurt just a little.

"Oh no, he has a gigantic crush on you," put in Genma, who was now standing behind his shoulder and leering. Despite how he'd been acting most of the night he didn't seem drunk at all. "And I know you like him too, right?"

He jabbed Kakashi in the side in an attempted nudge. Maybe he was drunk. He definitely wasn't feeling the 'touch me and you die' vibe that Kakashi was exerting. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you're always teasing him."

Kakashi shrugged. "It's fun to get a rise out of people, and he's just so _easy_ to annoy."

"The real reason you should go get him is because we haven't seen him for the past two weeks," Raidou put in before Genma could annoy Kakashi to the point of his life being in danger. "It's school holidays but he hasn't come out with us once, and he's not working the mission desk. We don't know what's wrong and he says it's nothing but he spends all his time at home."

"Then why do you want me to go? I'm not even his friend," Kakashi pointed out. "Shouldn't one of you do it?"

"We already told you that." Genma poked him with a senbon. "He likes you. If his crush asks him to come out maybe he will."

"Fine. I'll go." Kakashi sighed and stood up. At least this way he could just leave, they were giving him the perfect excuse. He could go home, run a bath and read Icha Icha until the water got cold. Everyone at the table cheered as he slunk out the door. It made him feel incredibly unappreciated.

He had intended to just go home, but his feet thought differently and he found himself standing in front of the apartment building of Umino Iruka. _Well, now I'm here I might as well ask him to go out,_ he thought grimly, and hoped the chūnin wouldn't get mad and throw him out the window or something.

Kakashi knocked on the door. There was no answer, but extremely loud music was coming from within the apartment so he figured Iruka couldn't hear him. He knocked again and the door squeaked open. _What useless defences,_ he thought. _He's supposed to be a chūnin._

"Hello?" he called, feeling stupid and like an intruder. The music was much louder inside, so he closed the door behind him to prevent the neighbours from complaining. It sounded heavy, with loud guitars and a thrumming bass line, and wasn't something he'd have connected to the blushing, innocent Sensei. No one answered, of course; he found it hard to even hear his own voice.

He stretched out his chakra and found an answering flare in a room to his right, where the music seemed to be coming from. The door was closed, so he knocked hesitantly on it. He had a bad feeling about this. _I should have just gone home and had a bath and not worried about what those freaks were saying._ But he'd come this far, and he wasn't about to leave now. He pushed open the door, and froze.

Iruka was lying on his back with his eyes closed on a slightly rumpled bed, completely naked. His right hand was alternating between stroking and petting his half hard cock. It didn't look like he was jerking off, more like he was just… playing. It was incredibly strange, and Kakashi couldn't keep his eyes off it.

Kakashi stepped closer, and Iruka's eyes flew open. He jumped a little at seeing Kakashi but didn't stop what he was doing. He reached over for a remote that was lying beside him on the bed and turned the music down to a more acceptable level. Kakashi felt his ears ringing. "I thought I told you not to do that," Iruka scolded. He didn't seem embarrassed at all.

"Do what?" Kakashi asked, rubbing his eyes. _This is a dream, right? This can't be real. Kurenai just put a fucked up genjutsu on me._

Iruka sighed, then sat up, smiled and patted a space next to him on the bed. "Come here."

Kakashi sat down on the very edge of the bed tentatively and wondered if there were any Icha Icha plotlines that went like this. It was bizarre to say the least. Then Iruka was wrapping his arms around him and he was suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that Iruka was _naked, _warm and – he surprised himself with the thought – not particularly hard on the eyes.

"You shouldn't do it, you know, Ruru," Iruka mumbled into his shirt, "It's not fair on him. I know you just want to make me feel better but it'll probably just make things worse in the end."

"My name's not Ruru, it's Kakashi."

Iruka sighed like this was something he'd gone through many times before. "Would you prefer me to call you that?"

Kakashi nodded. "It's my name."

Iruka just looked at him sadly. "Just for tonight, K-Kakashi." He stumbled over the name as if he had trouble forcing it out. He smiled brightly, but Kakashi could tell it was just to cover that he'd been upset by something. "So, can I see what your face looks like tonight? You do make some funny versions."

He was reaching for the mask, and Kakashi instinctively pushed his hand away. The unhappiness in those dark brown eyes made him almost reconsider, but then he remembered Iruka had just called his face _funny._ How would he know what his face looked like anyway? "I'm sorry. I just – I'm going to go to bed now. You can leave the light on if you want."

Iruka backed away, his eyes downcast and his shoulders slumped. It hurt for some inexplicable reason, seeing him like that, and Kakashi yanked the mask down without thinking. Iruka gasped, and suddenly there was a naked chūnin in his lap stroking his face with gentle fingers. "Oh," Iruka breathed. "You've never done _this_ for me before."

Kakashi wanted to ask him what the hell he was talking about, of course he hadn't, he didn't take off his mask for anyone, but found he couldn't talk. The feel of the chūnin pressing against him, running his fingers down his jaw, staring at him with adoring eyes – it was turning him on. It had been a long time since he'd gotten laid, and he no longer cared who Iruka thought he was. Kakashi tilted his head slightly and slipped his tongue between the chūnin's slightly parted lips.

Iruka kissed him back after a moment's hesitation, touching the foreign muscle in his mouth gently with his own, and made gorgeous little moaning sounds. Kakashi had just decided that that had been the best idea ever when Iruka pulled back, looking horrified and ashamed. "I'm not that bad, am I?" Kakashi asked, raising his eyebrow.

"No you're, you're too good." Iruka was almost breathless, and Kakashi thought it looked good on him. "Gods, I shouldn't be doing this."

"Why not?" Kakashi asked. Iruka was making him crazy. He had no idea what was going on, and he just wanted to have sex. Preferably sooner rather than later.

"Because you're me, I'm you! This is _weird._" Iruka bit his lip and gazed at Kakashi. He looked adorable.

Kakashi had no idea why Iruka would think they were the same person, but he decided he might as well use it to his advantage. "Just think of it as an advanced sort of masturbation," he said, "You were doing it before so I know you don't have a problem with it."

"I can't." Iruka's face said that he really, really wanted to. "It's not right for you to do this in Kakashi's image. Henge back, Ruru, so you don't turn me on anymore."

"Please?" Kakashi curled his fingers around the younger man's cock. It was warm and soft and jumped in his hands.

"Oh, but," Iruka gasped and braced himself on Kakashi's shoulders as the jounin stroked him. "But this is wrong."

"But I want to bury myself inside you and fuck you 'til you come, screaming my name."

"K-kashi?"

"That's right. That's what you say when you cover me with your seed."

"_Kakashi_." Iruka's nimble hands were pulling at his zipper, tossing off his vest and pulling his shirt over his head. Then Iruka's warm, supple mouth was kissing his chest, sucking his nipples, tracing from his neck down to the thin trail of hair below his belly button, making him gasp.

"Hey Iruka, did you miss me?"

Iruka froze. They both looked towards the door where another Iruka, a clothed mirror image of the one on Kakashi's lap, stood staring at them. "Something I should know?" the Iruka in the doorway said coolly.

Naked Iruka stared at him, confused. "Ruru? Then who is…?" He slowly turned back to Kakashi, turned an alarming shade of red and shot to the other side of the bed, holding a pillow in front of him to hide his nakedness. "You actually _are _Kakashi, aren't you?" he groaned.

"I did try to tell you that," Kakashi pointed out. "You just didn't listen to me. Could you explain what this is about?"

Naked Iruka pointed an accusing finger at clothed Iruka. "Where were you? You're not supposed to leave the house. I made a horrible mistake because of you."

"I'm a horrible mistake?" Kakashi felt a bit put out. "Can't you save that decision until after we fuck?"

Naked Iruka hid behind his pillow. Clothed Iruka blushed. "He didn't mean to touch you like that. He probably thought you were me."

Kakashi glared at him. "I know I'm supposed to be a genius and all, but I don't get this. There are two Iruka's, and somehow you Iruka looks like me and him Iruka touches you when you look like me? What. The. Hell?"

"Er." Clothed Iruka scratched his nose. "It's not quite like that."

"Then tell me what it _is_ like," Kakashi growled. _Why am I not in a bath with Icha Icha right now?_

"Konohamaru was trying to make a clone for the end of year exam and I think Naruto must have tried to teach him the shadow clone technique because somehow he managed to create me," clothed Iruka said apologetically. "But I'm not really a clone, it's more like he split us in half. So we're both Iruka."

"That doesn't explain why he thought I was you."

"Well, I henge into you every so often." He had the decency to look slightly embarrassed. "It makes him feel better if he gets a hug from you, and we're not supposed to leave the apartment until Tsunade-sama figures out how to fix this so he's kind of lonely."

Kakashi glanced over at naked Iruka, who was still huddling behind his pillow. He smiled sarcastically and held out his arms. "You want a hug?"

"Don't tease me, Kakashi-sensei," naked Iruka whispered, sounding heart-broken. "Why – why did you take off your mask?"

_Oh, shit._ He'd forgotten about that. Kakashi fumbled around his neck in an attempt to pull it back over his face. Clothed Iruka reached out as if to stop him. "Please don't. It's… your face is beautiful."

_Beautiful?_ He'd never been called that before. "So. What happens now?" Kakashi looked from clothed Iruka to naked Iruka, who looked at each other. "Can I play with both of you?"

Clothed Iruka blushed and took a step back. Naked Iruka hid his face in the pillow. Kakashi sighed. "Is the prospect of sex with me really that bad?"

"No!" Both the Iruka's spoke at once. Naked Iruka clutched at his pillow and said quietly, "I don't want to do anything with you if you only want me for tonight. I like you too much."

"You mean you want a relationship with me?" Kakashi asked, surprised.

Both Iruka's nodded.

"I've never been in one of those before," Kakashi mused. "What's it like?"

Naked Iruka stared at him. "You're… actually considering it?"

"Why is that surprising?"

"Well, you're famous and powerful and all that. Everybody knows who you are, and everyone wants to be your friend. I'm just a plain old chuunin." Iruka stared at the sheets. Clothed Iruka shifted his gaze to the floor.

"Is that a big deal? If we were in a relationship, that is."

"I guess people would wonder why you were with me, but that's not really what I was meaning. I just didn't think you'd like me." Iruka couldn't look at him.

Kakashi thought about it. "I don't really want a relationship."

Naked Iruka struggled to keep himself together. Clothed Iruka scowled. "You should probably leave now," he said, voice icy.

"Why? That doesn't mean I don't like you. And I still want to sleep with you."

Clothed Iruka grabbed his arm, pulled him up off the bed and forced him bodily out the door. "We told you that's not on offer," he hissed. "And you really hurt his feelings, you know."

He could resist if he wanted, he could easily best Iruka even if there was two of him, but somehow he felt that would be a Very Bad Idea and so he let himself be manhandled and simply leaned against the wall outside as the door was slammed shut in his face. He listened to the violent click as the bolts were slid roughly home. Obviously he wasn't wanted here.

Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets and wandered home. He'd forgotten to tell Iruka that his friends missed him, but he understood why the chūnin was holing himself up in his little apartment now and had the feeling that he might not survive if he returned there. He hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about the chūnin sensei before, but now he had to admit he was curious.

Apparently he wasn't just an innocent, blushing school teacher. From the way he kissed and touched he obviously had some sort of experience, and was definitely interested in him, Hatake Kakashi. _Too bad he probably won't ever want to speak to me again, after that._

**o0o**

Kakashi startled awake to the sound of one of the Hokage's messenger birds tapping impatiently on his window. He slid up the pane and took the message before he'd even thought about what he was doing and cursed as the bird flew off. He was going to have to do whatever the scroll said now, or else he'd be given D-ranks for a month. He did _not_ want to see Tsunade right now. In fact, he didn't want to do anything except perhaps get back into bed and continue that nice dream he'd been having.

He glared down at his morning wood. One Umino Iruka – well to be precise, two of him – had commandeered his dreams last night, in a way that hadn't happened since he was a horny teenager filled with eager sperm and unable to communicate clearly with anyone, let alone a good looking girl (or boy; he'd never been picky) willing to lift her skirt for him. He sighed and settled down to take care of business as quickly and emotionlessly as possible. Whatever Tsunade wanted it could wait ten minutes.

He tried focusing solely on the feeling of his palm as he stroked, and when that didn't work he resorted to picturing himself buried deep in an unnamed busty Icha Icha heroine. He knew he was in trouble when her boobs flattened out into a smooth tanned chest, and a thin line of long-healed scar tissue appeared below her expressive brown eyes. He bit back the name on his lips as he came.

**o0o**

"Finally, brat." Tsunade scowled at him as he strolled into her office half an hour late and stood slouched, hands jammed into his pockets like he had better places to be.

"I was sleeping, Hokage-sama." Kakashi was too shaken by his morning revelation to think up an excuse to his usual level of creativeness.

Tsunade snorted, but didn't comment. "Iruka-sensei told me you visited him yesterday," she said conversationally.

Kakashi just barely stopped his head from jerking up in surprise. What exactly had Iruka said? "Maa, I was asked by some of his friends to check up on him as he hadn't been very social lately."

Tsunade nodded disinterestedly. "I want to know if you noticed any differences between them, Iruka and Ruru. I don't have any leads to fix this and I don't want one of my best teachers out of commission when school starts again."

_Differences?_ Kakashi's mind hadn't really been focusing on figuring anything like that out. The only real difference he'd picked up on was that one was wearing uniform and the other was naked, but he wasn't about to tell Tsunade that. He had the feeling she'd beat his head into the desk if she thought he'd taken advantage of one of her favourite shinobi. "They both seemed to be functioning properly so why would you make him stop teaching?"

"It's dangerous," Tsunade said flatly. "Being split like that his chakra is also halved, and he didn't have a lot of that to begin with. I'm sure he could still handle a class but it would be very draining on him, and I can't send him out on missions at all."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "You send him on missions?"

Tsunade scowled. "Don't look so surprised, brat. He's more capable as a shinobi than you think."

"But he already works two jobs, right?" Kakashi pointed out. "I didn't think he'd have time to go on missions."

Tsunade evaded the question neatly. "Tell me, Kakashi, how did he tell you it happened, the split?"

"Konohamaru."

It was Tsunade's turn to look surprised. "And you believed him?"

Kakashi shrugged. "He's Iruka-sensei. I didn't even consider that he'd lie to me." _And I had other things on my mind at that point._

Tsunade snorted. "You think that Sarutobi brat could perform a jutsu of that level? It wasn't a mistake, it was done on purpose."

"Yeah?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "What could anyone hope to achieve by casting that sort of jutsu on someone who hardly ever leaves the village?"

Tsunade frowned. "I don't know. I would assume it was someone who held a personal grudge against him, but I can't think of anyone who does. He's liked by everyone."

Kakashi thought about it. He didn't know much about Iruka, but he seemed well liked. "He was injured by a leaf-shinobi once, wasn't he? When Naruto stole the forbidden scroll."

"Mizuki?" Tsunade shook her head. "That guy's long gone. Orochimaru warped his brain and he obediently took some sort of potion that ate away at his body until there was nothing left. Even if he was still around I don't know if he was close enough to Iruka-sensei to do something like this."

"He works in the missions office, doesn't he? How much does he know about the village?"

"Probably everything." Tsunade worried her bottom lip with her teeth. "I didn't even think of that. He knows most of the children and a large per cent of the active adult shinobi, how they fight and what their weaknesses are. His file says that he was a prankster as a child and made use of the sewers to get around undetected, so he probably has an extremely good map of the village in his head, both above and below ground."

"So he's a bad person to have captured," Kakashi concluded for her.

Tsunade rubbed her forehead tiredly. "I shouldn't have even been sending him out on missions at all. I just didn't think about it."

"Do you have someone watching over him? You can't exactly keep him holed up in his apartment forever, he'll implode."

"Well, I did." Tsunade glared at the papers on her desk. "But we have so much work and so little shinobi at the moment that I don't really have anyone to spare for much longer. That, and the version of him that calls himself 'Ruru' objected to being watched and set immature traps for my ANBU. None of them want to watch him any more, and I have to pay them extra to get them to agree to even take one shift."

Kakashi stared hard at her. "He set traps and _ANBU_ got caught in them?"

"I'm afraid so." Tsunade leaned back in her chair and rested her feet on the desk. "The Sandaime obviously knew what he was doing, taking that brat under his wing. He's only really still a chūnin because he refuses to take the jōnin exam."

Kakashi frowned. "That can't be right. He left his door unlocked and didn't even notice I was there until I was a few steps away. No jōnin would ever put themselves in such a vulnerable position."

"His ability to reason properly has gone down since he's managed to get himself split in half," Tsunade admitted. "Frankly, it's worrying." She paused, looking thoughtful. "Hang on, _you_ wouldn't be interested in watching over him, would you?"

"Me? I don't think he would be too happy with that arrangement." _Actually, I doubt he ever wants to see my face again._

"The more I think about it, the more I realise you'd be perfect," Tsunade carried on as if he hadn't said anything. "Don't do it in a surveillance type way, just go round to his house and be buddy-buddy with him. Concentrate on trying to pick up differences between the two Iruka's and watch out for anyone suspicious around him."

"You realise that I've never been "buddy-buddy" with anyone in my life, don't you?" The more he thought about it, the worse he realised the idea was. Unfortunately, Tsunade seemed to think the opposite.

"Then it's a good opportunity for you, isn't it? Learn to be more social." Tsunade gave a feral grin. "Who knows, some of his good traits might rub off on you."

Kakashi started thinking about Iruka 'rubbing off on him' and swallowed heavily. "If he can trick ANBU then what's to stop him from castrating me when he finds out I've been pretending to be his friend?"

Tsunade stared at him as if he were stupid. "What makes you think that he _won't_ become your friend?"

Kakashi gave her his best impassive glare. "I don't have friends." _I have acquaintances. And, considering our lovely interaction last night, I doubt he even wants to be one of those._

"Well, it's high time you found one then, isn't it?" Tsunade smirked. "And if anyone has guts enough to try and befriend you, it's Iruka. Stop making excuses, I've already decided to assign this to you." She slipped her feet off the desk, leaned forward and scribbled something on a piece of paper before handing it to him.

Kakashi squinted at the words doubtfully. "I don't think even the sharingan could decode this."

"It can't be that bad." Tsunade snatched the paper back off him, frowned at her own writing and then handed it back sheepishly. "Well, that's why I want Iruka-sensei back at work again as soon as possible. He's usually the one who writes up the mission requests."

"I can see why," Kakashi muttered darkly.

"Anyway, it just says that you're to look after him up until the point that he becomes one person again. You'll get A-rank wages for it, and it shouldn't be too hard. Try to enjoy it, take it as time off. Your file says you haven't taken vacation time since you were eight years old."

_That would be because I never _wanted_ a vacation. Just because he looks incredibly fuckable doesn't mean I want to babysit him. _"You're not going to let me refuse this mission, are you?"

"Have you ever refused a mission?" Tsunade smirked at him, and he was forced to admit that no, he hadn't, and it would be a waste to start now.

Kakashi scowled. _How did I ever get dragged into this mess? _"Fine. What exactly do you want from me?"

**o0o**


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi felt nervous as he knocked on the door, and he hated himself for it. _Don't be such a pussy. He's just a little chūnin. _He frowned and corrected himself. _Well, two little chūnin. _He couldn't get it out of his head that Iruka had single-handedly managed to prank ANBU, and while his chakra was split in half, no less. How he'd managed to do it and what sort of pranks they'd been had kept him up half the night, and he cursed Tsunade for making him take on this job. _I'll take an assassination over babysitting, any day._

The door opened slowly a couple of inches, and a deep brown eye peered out through the gap. The eye blinked at him once, and then the door slammed shut again.

_What the hell?_ Kakashi rubbed the back of his head roughly. He was genuinely confused now. Tsunade thought that _this_ chūnin was capable of being a jōnin? _Give me a break._ He'd already been given ample time to break into the apartment and kill anyone inside, if he so wanted. He was almost tempted to break in anyway, just to see what reaction he'd get.

"Ruru!"

Iruka's voice sounded panicky, even through the door. Kakashi felt a wave of sympathy for the other Iruka, who let out a world-weary sigh, before he remembered they were technically the same person. "What is it?"

"It's _him_. He's here."

Kakashi leaned against the wall and sighed. This sounded like it would take a long time. _Why am I even here? Tsunade-sama doesn't really need me to look after him, does she? Mr. Takes-down-ANBU-on-his-own is doing fine looking after himself - as well as his other self._

"What for?" The chūnin sounded more defeated than curious.

"I don't know."

He assumed that Iruka was clinging to his 'Ruru' by now, guessing that the one who answered the door had been the naked one from the previous night. _Well, given the way he acted then I'd say he has a pretty legitimate reason not to want to see me, _he thought wryly.

"Iruka…" There was another loud sigh from behind the door. "You didn't ask him what he was doing here?"

There was a short silence in which Kakashi imagined that Iruka was shaking his head furiously, and then the door opened again. Iruka one and Iruka two were dressed identically this time, in regulation Konoha shinobi shirt and pants with their hair tied up in matching tight tails. However, while one stood normally in the doorway, frowning, the other hid behind him and clung to his shirt, peering out at Kakashi with wide eyes.

"So." The relatively normal Iruka cleared his throat. "What _are _you doing here?"

"I come bearing gifts as a way of apologising for the other night," Kakashi said easily, holding up a plastic bag with two fingers and ignoring how brusque the normally overly polite chūnin was being.

The one dubbed Ruru narrowed his eyes, while hiding-Iruka's widened. "Icccccccchirakku," Iruka breathed, and made as if to grab for the bag. Ruru slapped his hand away.

Kakashi grinned widely, arching his eye up as far as possible, and thanked the heavens that Naruto – who knew everything there was to know about his beloved sensei – was easy to bribe answers out of. "It's pork."

Iruka looked up at him with adoring eyes, and seemed almost ready to jump into his arms. Kakashi briefly entertained the thought that it would be quite easy to lure him into bed before catching a glimpse of Ruru's cold glare.

"I know what you're thinking," the responsible Iruka said frostily. "And I'll take that," he pointed to the bag, "But you're leaving now. Apology accepted."

Iruka tugged on his other self's arm and whispered in his ear in a loud, childlike voice, "Please let him stay. Please."

Ruru frowned, but seemed to relent a little. He didn't offer an invitation but he moved silently out of the doorway and into the apartment, Iruka trailing behind him. Kakashi stepped inside and shucked off his sandals, having not been told forcibly to leave, and followed them both to the dining room.

Iruka plonked himself down on a rotating barstool and stared at him – or rather, the bag of food in his hand – expectantly. Kakashi shook the bag at him and barely resisted the urge to dissolve into dog-speak ("You want it? You want the food? Do you? Good boy") at the sight of his excited face.

Ruru smacked his entranced counterpart on the back of the head lightly and drifted off to the kitchen on a search for cutlery and crockery. Kakashi took the chance to ease himself down onto the stool directly next to Iruka's, and was mildly surprised when the chūnin backed away slightly, his eyes flickering from the food to the jōnin then back again.

"I'm not a threat, you know," Kakashi said, placing the bag on the bench just out of Iruka's reach and holding both his hands up defensively. "I'm not going to touch you."

Iruka sucked the majority of his bottom lip into his mouth and stared openly at him without speaking.

"Don't frighten him," Ruru scolded from the other room.

"Maa, you're not frightened of me, are you?" Kakashi asked, giving Iruka his best shut-eye smile.

Iruka stared at him for a little longer before shaking his head mutely. Then he nodded.

Kakashi frowned. "You are or you aren't?"

"I like ramen," Iruka said quietly, diverting his gaze from Kakashi to the bag of food.

Ruru stalked back into the room to dump bowls and chopsticks semi-graciously on the bench in front of them. He looked annoyed that Kakashi had chosen the seat closest to Iruka, and torn between sitting beside his naïve self or sitting beside the man he perceived as a threat.

"I like Kakashi too," Iruka added. Ruru glared at him until he corrected, "Kakashi-sensei."

"Maa, you can call me Kakashi if you like," Kakashi said, shrugging. The situation was weird enough as it was, and Tsunade _had_ said to be all buddy-buddy with him. She probably hadn't meant 'take him to bed with you', but if that's where this ended up he'd be more than happy to complete this mission.

"Kakashi," Iruka muttered to himself, gaining an expression of absolute delight. Ruru turned his face away and was it his imagination, or were those cheeks tinted just a little red?

"Well, I am calling you by your first name," Kakashi pointed out, trying to defuse the awkwardness, "And yours is even a nickname."

Ruru scratched at his nose uncomfortably. "It's not like I wanted to be called that. _He _decided it." He nodded his head towards Iruka, who had finally managed to get into the bag and was pouring one of the portions into a bowl. "Not that I can deny him anything, of course. It seems rather self-indulgent when I think that he's actually a part of me, but it's just so hard to say no, especially when I know exactly how he feels."

"He's a part of you, huh?" Kakashi watched the oblivious chūnin take a mouthful of hot ramen and then spit it out, scrambling for water."I would have assumed that _you_ were a part of _him_, seeing as he gives the orders and has the full name."

"It's not really either of those things, I don't think." Ruru shrugged. "I have no idea what this is, really. We're both halves of the same thing, so neither of us are in charge. We just exist side by side."

"But the real Iruka only has one body," Kakashi pushed. "So one of you must be physically real while the other is fabricated."

"I'm not real?" Iruka asked, wide-eyed, abandoning his ramen.

Ruru's eyes narrowed. "What did I tell you about frightening him?"

"Ach." Kakashi scrubbed the back of his head with a hand, wondering how to fix the situation. Tsunade would not be pleased if Ruru tossed him out. "Iruka, if you named Ruru, then did you name yourself?"

Iruka's eyes lit up. "Can I choose a name?"

"No. _Did_ you choose a name?"

"You should call me Ru-chan," Iruka said decisively, smiling brightly.

Ruru slapped a palm to his face and muttered, "Do you really have to make us sound so girly?"

Kakashi scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Well, you have to admit that Ru-chan kind of fits. I was having a hard time trying to call him Iruka-sensei."

"You're telling _me_ that?" Ruru shook his head and buried his face in his hands. "It's weird calling him Iruka-sensei because that's _my_ name. And his. And he's me, but he's over there. I want everything to go back to normal."

"I like this." Iruka – _or Ru-chan,_ Kakashi thought dryly – had gone back to slurping his noodles. "I like having someone to cuddle in bed."

Ruru turned bright red. Kakashi was torn between being a lecher and offering his own 'cuddle services' and trying to alleviate the chūnin's embarrassment. In the end he decided the safest thing to do was change the subject altogether. "Ruru-kun, was he always this… unguarded? I swear that the other night he wasn't this," he waved his arms about helplessly, unable to find an adequate word, "This, well, childlike."

Ruru looked as if he couldn't decide whether he was glad the 'cuddling' conversation had been neatly avoided or annoyed that Kakashi was set on bringing up a topic that was just as embarrassing to him. "Remember that the other night he believed that you were me," he answered eventually. "I'm sure even you are less guarded when you're alone than you are when around others. Think of it as if he were just talking to himself."

Kakashi leaned back, and the long strand of soggy noodle that had been aimed for his face missed his nose by millimetres. He swivelled on his seat to face the noodle-flinging culprit and Iruka glared at him. "Don't you dare talk about me like I'm not here. You guys are so _rude._"

Ruru flicked the ramen right back at him. "You should grow up if you want to join in adult conversation."

"No!" Iruka brought his fist down hard on the table, making his bowl jump. "No! You always ignore me, always. Even when we were sharing a body you acted like I wasn't there all the time. It's not fair." He sniffed. "And I _am_ an adult. I'm the same age as you, stupid."

"Iruka." Ruru was frowning, his voice teacher-stern.

"And I told you that's not my name anymore." Iruka folded his arms tightly across his chest in a huff. "You're supposed to call me Ru-chan."

"I already told you I don't ever intend to call you that," Ruru said patiently. "It's embarrassing and demeaning to us both. I don't understand why you keep insisting on it because I could swear that when we were one we never would have considered it."

The self-proclaimed Ru-chan pouted. Ruru sighed. "I think I get it. You just want him to baby you, don't you? That's pathetic, and even more embarrassing than I thought."

Kakashi sat as still as he possibly could, afraid that if he moved he'd be attacked. Having just one Iruka was temperamental, and two of him was like sitting in a room with a ticking bomb. "If I may," he put forth a little uncertainly, "Is Ru-_kun_ a slightly better option?"

Both Irukas stared at him. He quickly held up both hands. "Never mind. It was just a suggestion."

"It's better," Ruru said slowly.

Iruka continued to stare at him silently, his eyes getting wider and his chopsticks forgotten in his hand.

"Maa, is he alright?" Kakashi asked, slightly worried. If the chūnin tried to attack him and got hurt accidentally he'd have hell to pay.

"He's fine," Ruru said shortly. "He's just excited that you gave him a nickname."

"Oh." He'd almost forgotten that Iruka apparently 'liked' him.

Ruru changed the subject abruptly, the pink tinge of his cheeks indicating that he was secretly just as thrilled as his counterpart. "We should eat or it'll get cold."

Kakashi nodded agreement and shared out the rest of the food, handing a bowl to Ruru. Ruru dipped his head in thanks, refusing to meet his eye. After a moment's thought Kakashi tugged down his mask, deciding that any sort of mystery he'd hoped to retain had been shot to hell anyway. They ate in a strained almost-silence that was made bearable only by Iruka's muttered, "Ru-kun. Ru-kun. Ru-kun. Ru-ka."

"You know," Iruka said eventually, breaking his own stream of mumbles, "You should call me _Ruka._"

Kakashi glanced at Ruru for a clue of what the heck he should say to that. In the end he figured he should keep his nose out of it and just let the two duke it out. _Preferably while naked, in mud,_ his mind suggested, and he grinned approvingly at the startlingly detailed visuals the sharingan supplied him with. It would never happen, but it didn't hurt to dream.

Ruru just shrugged and kept eating his noodles. "Sure, why not."

Iruka – Ruka – glared at him. "Be happy for me."

"Learn a little bit of discretion, _Ruka. _Not every thought that goes through your head needs to be said aloud._" _Ruru growled, and then sighed. "I guess you can't, can you? I can't wait until this whole thing is over."

Kakashi glanced at him. "Are you afraid he's going to tell me something you don't want me to know?"

"Nothing he can say can be worse than physically jumping you, and he's already done that," Ruru muttered, following up with a glare in Ruka's direction as the chūnin gained a mischievous grin. "And that is not a challenge, baka."

Kakashi's gaze flickered between the two uneasily. It amused him somewhat how volatile they were, and he couldn't help but wonder what would happen if they got _really_ mad at one another. _The whole village would probably get blown into pieces,_ he thought dryly.

"It's alright," Ruka sad softly, the grin replaced by an unhappy expression that Kakashi couldn't quite read, "I won't touch Kakashi-sensei again."

"Kakashi," Kakashi corrected automatically.

Ruka stared at him for a disconcertingly long time before dropping his gaze to his lap. "That's right," he said quietly. "Kakashi." He pushed his half-empty bowl out in front of him. "I think I'm done."

"Iruka –" Ruka slipped off his chair and shuffled out of the room before Ruru could say anything further. Ruru tugged at his ponytail agitatedly, worried eyes on the door his double had disappeared through.

"You're not going to chase him?" Kakashi asked, lazily winding noodles around his chopsticks.

Ruru bit his lip. "No. He's better off being alone."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Maa, you mean that you don't trust me enough to leave me alone in your house, right?"

Ruru frowned. "Why should I trust you? I never would have let you in in the first place if it wasn't for him."

"Ah, but he is a part of you. So a part of you _likes_ me."

Ruru's cheeks were turning pink and his hands clenched into fists instinctively. "_Like_ has nothing to do with trust. And I've yet to see which part of you is actually _likable._"

"I don't know about that." Kakashi placed his chopsticks back in the bowl and slipped off his seat to slink over to his unwilling dining partner. "You know," he purred, lifting the chūnin's chin with two fingers to the poor man had no choice but to look at him, "I get the feeling that _Ruka_ is not the only one who likes me. You think I don't know how often you've been glancing at my face?"

Ruru growled and twisted his head away. "For all you know I could be taking notes so I'm able to perform a henge that'll show everyone exactly what you look like and bust your secret."

Kakashi chuckled. "You would never do that." He bent his head forward so his lips were inches from Ruru's ear. "You're just too _nice._"

"I'm not _nice,_" Ruru snarled, and Kakashi found himself pushed hard against the wall with the chūnin's hands curled tightly around his wrists. "Do you know how damn frustrating it is to sit at the mission desk every day just to get belittled by every self-important jōnin who walks through the door? Even chūnin look down on me, because I'm too _old,_ or even just because apparently I don't do 'real' shinobi work. They find it _funny_ when I get mad, and bastards like you find it amusing to tease me when I'm not allowed to fight back. Do you know how unfair that is? Do you know how much I hate it? I have no reason whatsoever to like you, or anyone like you."

"And yet you do," Kakashi said simply. "Are you mad because you like me and you don't want to?" He could slip out of the chūnin's hold easily, but he didn't want to make Ruru madder and get kicked out, and a small part of him felt almost aroused by the chūnin's surprise dominance.

Ruru's grip tightened on his wrists. "Don't taunt me."

"I was just looking for clarity, I had no intention of making you mad." Kakashi smiled broadly in a pitiful attempt to pacify. "To be honest, I have no idea why you'd be attracted to me either. You – you and the other you – don't seem to be the sort of person who falls for someone simply because of some stupid celebrity status."

"Why would you assume he likes you because of your fame?"

Kakashi grinned. "You're still denying your own attraction?"

Ruru shoved his hands harder against the wall. "Just answer the damn question."

"You answered it yourself, didn't you? You said there's no reason to like me. I'm rude, antisocial, I tease you, I hand in shitty reports, I'm bad at conversations and I'm an unstable former-ANBU. And If you're attracted to me physically you must have either an eye or a hair fetish, because nobody sees much more of me than that."

Ruru's grip loosened. "You don't… you don't mean that, do you? You really feel like you have no redeeming points?"

Kakashi chuckled. "Are you pitying me? Is this something I can take advantage of?"

"No, I'm serious." Ruru's eyes were impossibly large, searching his own anxiously. "Do you – do you dislike yourself?"

"No, I don't." Kakashi smiled at Ruru's beseeching look. "I am what I am, a weapon of Konoha. No more, no less. It's my life and I have no intention of changing it. I was just thinking about how you would see me. If I want sex, well, there are a lot of people willing to throw themselves at my feet because of the fame thing. I don't need anything else."

"But what about love?" Ruru burst out, unable to help himself. "How can you live like that?"

Kakashi closed his eyes and tipped his head back against the wall. "You're a shinobi. Why are you asking that question?"

"What does being a shinobi have to do with anything?"

"If they're just going to die anyway, then what the point in getting close to people? If my body is satisfied I don't need anything else."

"I can't believe it," Ruru muttered, and Kakashi opened his eye to note with surprise that the chūnin was physically shaking. "You're just a freaking coward. You don't want to be hurt, so you close yourself off from everyone around you. You're _scared_." His eyes burned hard, determination and anger snapping through them. "When I lost my parents I thought I wanted to die. But I never thought that I would rather not have ever known them. I think that it's better to love and lose someone rather than never love at all. Would you really prefer it if you'd never cared for anyone?"

"Yes," Kakashi said flatly. "I wish I'd never cared for anyone. Does that make me a bad person?"

"It –" Ruru collapsed against him, breathing in deeply before collecting himself and puling back more determined than ever. "I don't know what to say to that. I can't imagine what sort of a life you must have had to make you turn out this way."

Kakashi shrugged. "It's not something you should be imagining." He smiled maliciously. "It'd be too much for your innocent desk-chūnin brain to handle."

Ruru's eyes flashed, but he refused to take the bait. "You asked what I liked about you. I admire you. I – I was mad when you entered the kids for the chūnin exam, but you managed to train them far more successfully than I ever did. You treated Naruto just like everyone else, like a person, and I think I respect you for that more than anything. I look up to you as a shinobi, and even if you don't respect me, I respect you. I saw you fight once, and," he paused to rub the bridge of his nose, embarrassed, "Well, you're beautiful when you move without the stupid slouch."

"Respect?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "You know, I'm the only jōnin whose students have outgrown them so fast. All those kids belong to sannin now."

"Doesn't that say a lot about your skills as a teacher?"

"No. It says a lot about them." Kakashi turned his face away. "And what the hell do you mean, beautiful? What am I, a woman?"

"I wasn't trying to effeminate you." Ruru shrugged helplessly. "It's just that I – _he_ – fell in love with the way you move more than anything. There's something almost poetic in the way you fight."

"There's nothing poetic about death," Kakashi said darkly. He felt sick. He didn't even want to tease the chūnin anymore. Ruru was too intense, too focused, just too much in every way. It was making him dizzy.

"Maybe not," Ruru agreed quietly. "But I believe there is beauty in all things, and to have life you must have death."

"Only a village-bound chūnin would believe shit like that," Kakashi growled. "You're so stupidly naïve it's painful. Death is cold, lonely and brutal. Nothing else."

Ruru smiled sadly and dropped his arms to his sides. "I guess you won't ever see it any other way, will you? Not if you're still unable to open your heart to anyone. I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Kakashi stood to his full height and crossed his arms across his chest, unsure why he was feeling so insecure. The damn chūnin was _pitying_ him, wasn't he?

Ruru just shook his head. "Would you be able to tell me one thing, though? Why did you take off the mask for him? You don't care about Iruka and you've never thought about me at all before today, have you?"

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, pulling roughly at the shorter hairs on the nape of his neck. "I don't know," he said shortly. "His face was just too – he looked sad. I felt bad."

"But you've never done that before, have you?" Ruru pressed. "If it had been Naruto asking you wouldn't have bothered, even if he was begging to the point of tears. Why him, why Ruka? Why me?"

"I don't know." Kakashi scowled, narrowing his eyes at the impertinent chūnin. "Don't ask me for answers I can't give you."

"You haven't thought about it?" Ruru's eyes were wide and serious, scouring his face for an answer that he didn't have. He almost laughed at the absurdity of the question. _Haven't thought about it? I haven't _stopped_ thinking about it. You confound me. You're making me dizzy just by standing this close._

Kakashi leered, deciding that if he was going to be put in an uncomfortable position he was damn well going to get something out of it. Nobody pushed him against a wall and got away with it. "We-ell," he purred, leaning in close to let his breath ghost over Ruru's lips, "Have _you_ thought about what could possibly have driven me to bare myself to you?"

Ruru drew in his breath sharply, instinctively. Kakashi grinned. "I'm sure you have a pretty good idea forming in your mind right now, don't you?"

Ruru's lower lip quivered, his eyes – impossibly – wider than before, pupils blown to spectacular proportions. "Because I," Kakashi whispered, going in for the kill, "Have a pretty good idea of what you're thinking right now." _Let it never be said that Hatake Kakashi knows not how to seduce a man, _Kakashi thought triumphantly, seizing the chance to capture Ruru's lips while the chūnin stood frozen.

Ruru kissed him back immediately, his mouth hot and demanding and – and pulling away much too fast, though the chūnin's fingers twisted in his shirt belied his adamant withdrawal. "Shouldn't," Ruru gasped, but he didn't resist much when Kakashi spun him around to press him against the wall, tongue once again in his mouth and hand snaking under his shirt.

He'd intended it as a joke, a way to get back at the uptight, unknowingly sexy sensei for confusing him, but when Ruru _moaned_ in his mouth Kakashi felt himself losing his composure fast. One hand slipped downwards to grip the chūnin's ass tightly, pulling him close, while the other glided upwards, mapping out muscles he'd seen only once before. _Shit, how does he stay in such good shape sitting behind a desk all day?_

Kakashi flinched as something large and soft hit him in the back, and then cursed himself for losing himself so much that he'd started ignoring his surroundings. _Shit, when have I ever done that before? _He pushed the thought from his mind to mull over later, and turned to face the threat.

"I hate you," Ruka snarled, a second pillow gripped tight in his fist. "I'm not going to forgive you for this."

It took Kakashi a second to realise that this bedraggled Iruka – _cute,_ his mind supplied – was not referring to him, but at his twin, whose guilty face was somehow both red and pale at the same time. "I didn't –"

"You couldn't – you can't do this to me." Ruka had changed from holding the pillow as a weapon to clutching it in a defensive way across his chest, as a comfort. To Kakashi's great discomfort he had tears dripping from his eyes, though his face was set in a dark scowl. "It is _your_ fault all this happened in the first place. You're the one who wanted to be apart from me, and now you're ruining it on your own. If you really want me to disappear so much, I will."

Ruka fled from the room, slamming the door behind him and running off into the night. Ruru moved as if to chase him, but Kakashi grabbed his arm. "What does he mean, this is your fault? What did you do?"

"It doesn't matter. Let go," Ruru growled. "I have to find him."

"I can help you find him," Kakashi said calmly. "Tracking is my speciality."

"I couldn't care less," Ruru returned, voice dripping with disdain, "And I think you've done enough. Get out of my house. I don't ever want to see you again, and if you're still here when I get back I'll gouge out your fucking magical eye. Don't you dare go near him either."

He twisted sharply, yanking his arm free and storming out the door, slamming it behind him, just like his double. Kakashi blinked after him. He had been confused before, but now… now he had no idea what to think. He picked up the pillow Ruka had thrown and stared at it blankly. "What the hell am I supposed to report to Tsunade-sama?"

**o0o**

_Second half of this is completely unedited, 'cause it's two in the morning, I'm behind in all my subjects, I have no money, my flatmates are all moving out, I'm failing at life and I'm FREAKING THE FUCK OUT._

_Just saying because I may come back and edit it at a later date when my mind actually works. Feel free to tell me if shit don't make sense, 'cause chances are it doesn't._


End file.
